Healing my Divine Masculine and Forgiveness
I grew up without a father, or more like a father who was in and out of my life.
I had a step-father who was pretty nice to me whenever he needed to convince my mom he loved her. He would buy me stuff to pleased her, but I always felt his rejection. And I get it. He wasn’t up to the job of loving someone else’s kid.
I had a belief that I wasn’t good enough. So I broke a lot of hearts and didn’t take anyone serious. I too had a couple of heartbreaks, but I always stand tall because I told myself I wasn’t going to suffer as my mom did.
But What I didn’t realize was the pain I was carrying inside. The deep hungered to be loved. I see my younger self, and I have so much compassion for her, she didn’t know any better.
My pain lead me to numb myself with partying. I was born and raised in LA, we LA girls party hard.
After so much struggle, I have been lead to this path of consciousness. Since I was a young child, I knew this was going to be my calling. And so many times I have denied it, and still, I have no other choice but to be here, right now. I have done so much healing!
In April, I got sick. It was a cold and cough that lasted almost a month. I found myself in meditation because I knew that there was something I needed to heal. And that moment I had a revelation. My divine masculine was crying for me to look at it, to pay attention to it. I was so busy focusing on the Divine Feminine and ignoring this part of me that needed so much healing, the divine masculine.
I cried because I knew that he needed me as much as I needed him. I was hurt by the rejection of my father, step-father, and other boyfriends of my past, that I didn’t want to acknowledge him. That moment right there, I surrendered to accepting him and forgiving that part of me. I named my divine masculine “Joshua”
He now shows up in my meditations has a healing presence of love. He’s beautiful and he is me! We all have both the divine masculine and feminine inside of us! we are made of divine source and we must find a balance between both in order to live happy!
For you see we are all one. You and all beings are one. So since we are all one, that means I am one with my father and all males in my life. I knew that If I didn’t forgive my father, I was never going to heal. By not forgiving, I am never going to let Love flow freely. I took it upon myself that moment to let go and let my divine masculine heal my broken heart.
And here I am 32 years old, a spiritual practitioner, consciously aware of myself and still healing. We are forever transforming; we must allow spirit to flow in us and through us to heal.
I’m in LA visiting my family, and there it was. The same feelings of rejection I felt before. I saw my father, and I realize I am still holding hurt from my wounded child.
You see, we are forever expanding and growing. Some parts of us are going to heal faster than others. But it’s up to us to truly surrender every time they come up.
I don’t want to keep hurting, and I don’t want to keep holding this pain, so I have no other choice but to keep surrendering. Surrender to love and keep surrendering.
In my meditation this morning, I saw my whole generation of women in my family who were also wounded from their father. I realized that I wasn’t just healing for myself but for all those wounded young girls in my lineage.
And for this reason our work as healers is so important. We must do the work. Their is no exceptions!
If we don’t do the work, every relationship with every male we have is going to end up bad. We will sabotage the relationship because it’s in our DNA to do so.
I invite you that if you are holding any grudges against anyone. Meditate, close your eyes and take a moment to invite the Divine presence within you to heal those broken pieces.
This is a beautiful story Rev. Sunday shared at service one Sunday:
This story and this lesson begin with a dream….
(Hanuman – Hindu Monkey God – Could be obnoxious and mischievous. - “The city was deserted. The streets were empty. The buildings were abandoned, some of them boarded up. There were only a dozen or so of us left. We had all gathered in one of the lounges on an upper floor of a vacant hotel to watch the surreal scene unfolding before us. The world was at war. All was darkness, except for the flashes of artillery and the explosions of bombs that eerily lit up the countryside. We watched what was happening around us in disbelief. The lights in the hotel flickered on, and we gave a small cheer for whoever had managed to get the generator to run. With the power on, we could open the exterior doors of the building again. Several of us opted to go out in the streets to see if there were any in need of assistance. I searched street after street but saw no one. The stillness in a place that was usually bustling with people and business weighed heavily in my ears. I decided to return to the hotel where everyone had gathered. When I was a few blocks away, I heard a faint call. I turned to look behind me and saw a small figure frantically waving its handsome distance down the street. I groaned inwardly as I recognized the figure. It was Hanuman. That pesky monkey drove me crazy. When he was around, he chattered unceasingly. It was impossible even to think when Hanuman was around. He always wanted something and would drive people to distraction until he got it. He wasn’t mean or bad, just a true pest. I cringed to imagine being confined to a building in our present situation with Hanuman there. So, I pretended to not hear him and continued on toward the building. Behind me, I could hear him calling over and over. I peeked cautiously behind me and saw that Hanuman was catching up. He waved frantically and called out again. I hurried on to the building, again pretending that I hadn’t seen or heard him. As I went through the double doors into the building, Hanuman was close behind me. As he reached the doors, they had just closed in front of him. I was safely inside with several others who had returned from their searches. I seemed to be the only one who could see or hear Hanuman, though. I looked at the doors, and my Heart nearly broke. Hanuman was there with his hands on the glass sliding down to the ground. He was sobbing uncontrollably. I could not bear to see him like that. I asked one of the others there to open the doors again. As the doors began to pull apart, Hanuman looked at me with teary eyes full of thanks. When the doors were open wide enough, he scrambled inside and flung himself into my arms. I held Hanuman gently as he was weeping wildly and chattering away incoherently. I looked deeply into his eyes, assuring him that everything would be alright and that he was safe. I felt such a deep Love well up within myself that I, too, began to weep. The remorse I felt for having ignored him was unbearable. I should never have thought of him so uncharitably. As Hanuman and I continued to look into each other’s eyes, I saw him begin to shift and change. His brown eyes gave way to blue. His fur changed into skin as soft blondish hair framed his face. A bright yellow dress clothed his body. I pulled back in astonishment, as I watched Hanuman Completely transform into my own two-year-old daughter! I sat stunned as I could suddenly Understand every word she chattered. She breathlessly told me how she thought she would not find me, then could not catch up with me. She had been so afraid that I would not let her in. She thought she would perish and that I would not care since I could not see her. I hugged her tightly to me, asking her Forgiveness and telling her that I would always see her and always Love her. We sat, clinging to each other, with tears that would not stop. The guilt I felt was overwhelming. My mind was numb. How could I not have recognized my own child? Yet, she was Hanuman. But, how could I have failed to know her energy? How could I have been so cold, callous, and uncaring as I had acted toward Hanuman? After all, he was a creature who deserved Love and care, too. How could I Forgive myself for such a terrible failing? My tears would not stop.”
Like this story, we are all one. Don’t run away from yourself! Face yourself even if you may not understand what is happening at the moment. Forgive, Forgive, and forgive. Surrender to forgiveness. Even if it hurts you so much to forgive, keep forgiving. Surrender to knowing that you will be liberated!! If you can’t forgive, go and do a lot of inner work. Because we are all one. In order to liberate others you must liberate yourself!
In The Divine Being Leadership Academy, we are now entering our next semester and it’s all about healing our relationship with ourselves and others. This is for deep healing! If you are ready to let go of what is holding you back, you must join us!